Samurai Cop: Stupid Movie or Stupidest of all time?

This film was brought to my attention as being so fucking amazingly bad that it’s a must see! It seriously delivers the groceries in the cheese department, it’s got quotable lines “I’ll cut his head off and put it on my piano”! and includes the astoundingly popular Robert Z’dar (who’s bulbous chin cannot even be contained by the beard he grew for this role)! Who better for this then someone with experience as The Maniac Cop (only he doesn’t play the cop part).

Paging Dr. Chin

Paging Dr. Chin

Amir Shervan is the Iranian genius director behind this and other police related action packed brilliance (like Hollywood Cop). There’s spotty information on the internet about Shervan, so don’t expect his biography to show up anytime soon for you to place next to your Lars Von Trier book on the shelf. It has that Cinemax late night trainwreck feel (like Andy Sedaris but with less brains)!!

Joe Marshall is Samurai Cop (played by Matt Hannon), in real life a former Stallone bodyguard, he’s a buff long haired lunkhead with a permanently constipated look on his face. He has an Eddie Murphy-esque wise cracking black partner named Frank (Mark Frazer). There is a minimal amount of bloodshed, but a serious amount of comedy! The score sounds like midi Airwolf played at Double Dragon speed.

Oopma Loompa Roid Rage

At one point Z’Dar hides in a laundry basket with a samurai sword (and there is no psychical way possible he could fit into that tiny hamper)! That’s because its a well guarded Shogun secret that Samurai’s have the power of invisibility, but only while traveling in small hampers, Shervan let the cat out of the bag in this film! What are some other Samurai moves only seen in this film? How about bacon grease poured over a hot girls’ crotch!

samcop5

Here’s bacon grease on your cooch

My favorite highlights are the hot chicks (Melissa Moore and Krista Lane), the dodging of non-existent bullets while driving, but I’m baffled at how they managed to score all these Playmate looking women! Then again all those horrible late night Skinemax flicks have these types of softcore babes, hard up for cash!

My two favorite characters are the hilarious foul mouthed police captain and Mr. Fujiyama! Fujiyama likes to preface things by saying “In America we have a saying…” At one point the captain breaks character (I wasn’t aware he was acting) and laughs for a few minutes over, as the camera continues to roll. Did Shervan forget to yell cut, of course not, he is a student of the Iranian surrealism film school and wanted to capture those moments we never see in film, other director’s rob us and deprive us of those and that is why he’s a master craftsmen!

samcop1

You rat samurai eating motherfucker!

This technique of non-editing later inspired Tommy Wiseau’s Room and James Nguyen’s Birdemic, so maybe Armir was ahead of his time! There are so many surreal, what the fuck was that moments (frog voiced audio, toilet bowl audio and people’s words getting cut off so they say “bibness” instead of business). Samurai Cop is completely retarded and of course a must see! I also have to mention that Joe Bob Briggs does the commentary, his I Spit On Your Grave commentary was top notch, so I know what awesomeness to expect. I used to love Monstervision on TBS and even have some left over videos I taped offa TV, (like the uncut Warriors with the deleted intro at Coney Island), in that episode he broke down all the transit information, it was great! I love the terminology he uses like Graffiti-Fu, Samurai Cop has Piano-Fu and Hamper-Fu! I prefer that version to the stupid cartoon Walter Hill mangled edition that seems to be the only one available on DVD.

I got us matching thongs for your birthday

I got us matching thongs for your birthday

samcop8

I have to be back at the asylum by 5

samcop9

Samurai pleeezze

 

Crankenstein

About Crankenstein

Gore Nerd and Film Fanatic who likes Metal, Pizza and hanging out with his dog Jack.