Grade-B Government Cheese: The Sword and the Sorcerer

Do you remember back when “the world was young, when sorcery thrived, wild adventure was ever in the offing”? Pepperidge Farm remembers. It was 1980 and a young Albert Pyun made a bold decision: Taster’s Choice. With that cup of hot chemical water Pyun became a man.

Incidentally, it was also when, during a screaming diarrhea evacuation, he looked into the toilet bowl to find inspiration for what would become The Sword and the Sorcerer. Like that bowl of commode chili, The Sword and the Sorcerer went on to become the greatest achievement of his professional life.

The Sword and the Sorcerer is the epitome of a man movie. It’s the Renaissance Festival wrapped an Old Spice commercial.

Take the lead, Lee “Matt Houston” Horsley, a chameleon with the power to transform himself into a Rent-a-Center version of the hot male lead of the day. For The Sword and the Sorcerer, he was not the mustachioed P.I. He was a dashing, long-haired Patrick Swayze (circa Steel Dawn), oozing sex appeal running around in a barbarian loin cloth fashioned from a lion’s mane.

What is a man without a mythical weapon? Nothing, of course! That’s why Talon (Horsley’s character) has a three bladed sword. Swords are cool. Add two more blades and you have a sword that can only be AWE-some. True, it’s unwieldy, but young, impressional boys everywhere will revere the man brandishing the beast.

But wait, there’s more!

Everyone knows that such a fearsome weapon must have more hidden bad-assitude. This sword does not fail to deliver. If needed, the handle can pull away, revealing a short sword. Flip another switch and a box cutter flicks out of the pommel. That’s right, FIVE blades. Christ on his throne, can anything be cooler?

Yes, it can.

Two of the three blades can be shot from the sword. Nipples spontaneously erect in the presence of such resplendent glory. This is surely the most desirable blade ever made, greater than any convertible sports car, hair plugs or penis extension. Because of the sword alone, Spike TV refuses to play this movie all other programming looks like Tinky Winky in comparison.

Talon is not beholden to his sword. In fact, because it makes him so indomitable, he often forgoes it’s use, improvising with whatever is at hand. At one point he uses a leg of lamb, literally the back leg complete down to the hoof. Food fit for the Einherjar of Valhalla. Yet, even the mighty Odin never used one to beat down three evil thugs. Talon did, and with extreme prejudice.

Pure. Man.

Ready for me to let up? Well, tough. The movie is not finished bringing it. Remember, I said it was the Renaissance Festival meets an Old Spice commercial.

What man movie is without a scene, or better yet, scenes, of topless women? Nothing. Without breasts it’s either gay porn or a chick flick. I don’t know where this trope started. I don’t know if every castle has the one room filled with naked women bathing each other. All I do know is that it’s SUH-weet! This room of women actually fight for Talon after he runs through.

In the ultimate show of bravado, after the big boss fight, Talon slings his wench over his shoulder and swings off to… uhm, well… uh, nowhere. It’s very dramatic, ala Sir Lancelot escaping from Swamp Castle.

I’ll close with the final lines of the movie, which sums it up perfectly, “Kingdoms to save. Women to love.” –Talon

Damn skippy.

About Aeryk Pierson

Aeryk is a delicate fondue of Viking and Cajun stock, with all the subtly, grace and refinement of a moonshine high colonic. His iTunes library is named Bad Mother Fucker despite the fact it has "The Bangles Greatest Hits."