Doll-Rape! Vicodin! Beer!

So yesterday my back was killing me, I’m getting old and screen printing fucking t-shirts all day really screws my back up, sometimes it’s so bad I can barely walk. Yesterday was one of those days… so after slaving in the print shop all day I popped a few vicodin…

and of course washed it down with a six pack. About an hour later I was higher than a fucking kite and couldn’t remember my Gawddamm name. Good times.

So the doorbell rings, I stumble to the door like a zombie (a very stoned zombie), it’s the postman, and he has a nice fat box from Wild Eye Releasing! They sent me a “care package” full of just about all their DVD releases plus some lobby cards, t-shirts, all sorts of cool shit that makes a FAT NERD like me happy. The first one I watched out of the pile was Bill ZeBub’s cult classic Dolla Morte…one of the most entertaining piece of SHIT I’ve ever seen in my life. I need to watch it again to convince myself that it wasn’t some narcotic induced dream, its that fucked up. But I highly recommend you take some drugs before watching it. It just adds to the insanity and drugs are good for you too.

Dolla Morte IS the holy grail of z-grade exploitation cinema, jam packed with enough nudity, sex, ass-rape, and violence for 10 shitty movies. But the hook is, it’s all acted out using children’s toys, Barbie dolls and other action figures! Its been compared to Robot Chicken, and yea its similar to that I suppose but Dolla Morte’s levels of violence and sex far surpass anything you’ll ever see on cable and the satirical slams at christianity are so brutal it will make christian’s cry. Well, if they’re dumb enough to get offended by dolls… ah never mind… they’ll be crying.

The “plot” is pretty fucking confusing, especially if you’re wasted, but lucky for me, Bill Zebub has some “cliff notes” that scroll at the end of the film so stoners know what the fuck is going down. Good idea Bill, thanks. Anyway, the plot goes something like this, Osama Bin Laden decides to start crucifying Christians, he starts off with some naked Barbie Christians, after he crucifies and impales them, he spends a few minutes sniffing, licking and finger-banging their privates. Oh, and all the female dolls have nasty giant over grown bushes and huge gaping vaginas.

Meanwhile President George Bush is searching for the Blood Of Christ. Apparently Jesus Christ was the first vampire and his holy blood will help Bush obtain immortality. Sounds plausible to me. Bush invades other countries searching for this Holy Grail and it turns out Vlad The Impaler is guarding the Grail…these are just a few of the many retarded sub plots in the film.

The Pope himself shows up and shits in the woods. Nope, not kidding, the Pope shits in the woods. Genius.

Unfortunately after the Pope’s relaxing bowl movement Bin Laden anally rapes him with some kind of crucifix sword thing, then he cuts his dick off with a pair of garden sheers. I laughed.

Oh and of course Hitler had to be in this, and guess what? He’s the captain of the SS Enterprise. My wife walked in the room durning this scene and rolled her eyes, when my wife rolls her eyes thats the only confirmation I need. This movie rules.

Then we have more raping, fucking, killing, murders, sodomy, genital mutilation and Jesus Christ being eaten by a shark and shat out the other end. Somewhere in the middle of all the raping, sodomy and Jesus Turds, the Prophet Muhammad makes an appearance, wow. I wonder if Al Qaeda has seen this?

I don’t want to give all the good shit away but I just have to mention the great scene with Jesus fucking himself on the cross. Yea there are two Jesus, and I have no idea why, the important thing is, he fucks himself.

Dolla Morte goes from being completely retarded, to creepy, to shocking, to lame, then back to retarded. And the retarded parts are actually the best part of this trash-classic. Some of the jokes work and some don’t, but when the jokes fail it actually makes the film better. The lamer it gets the cooler it becomes, (and it gets petty lame) it just has a special charm and heart amongst all the doll asshole reaming. A true cult classic, see it.

Bill Zebub is one twisted soul but he’s also a genius.

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Shawn Lewis

About Shawn Lewis