While Rotten Cotton does not endorse any political candidate or party, I will try my best to cover the big events as best I can. Recently the two unlikely candidates for office faced off in their first debate. Would Creedence Leonore Gielgud’s, much talked about, charisma close the deal, or would the force of nature that is The Tall Man come out on top?
Let’s face it, this year has been a brutal campaign. Tall Man has recently sharply criticized Gielgud’s allegiances to radical vegan organizations while promoting some highly controversial alternative energy sources. The Gielgud campaign has put out multiple press releases refuting the allegations and pointing out the potentially lethal problems with Tall Man’s energy plan. Both candidates have assailed each other’s past while largely trying to avoid their own. Gielgud has heavily promoted her small town roots, but questions have swirled around mysterious events taking place in the early 1990s in her hometown of Nilbog. Tall Man has promoted his business credentials, but the mortuary he headed was found to be under investigation. With everything on the line, the stage was set for an apocalyptic first meeting between the two embattled candidates.
The debate was, of course, moderated by, veteran reporter, Bub who ambled to his place and greeted the audience with his trademark salute.
Mr. Bub laid out the rules for the audience prior to the candidates taking the stage. Blood sacrifice was banned outright, to audible moans of disagreement. Audience reaction was not, however, disallowed entirely. Screams of pain and/or sexual ecstasy would be allowed when appropriate. Blood orgies would be held off until after the debate had finished in order to show respect to both candidates. Finally, the audience was asked to keep its murder and cannibalism to an absolute minimum. At the conclusion of the rules the candidates took the stage and were immediately interrupted by a contingent of cultists staging a protest. Several committed ritual suicide at once screaming “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!“ and “Stop the media blackout!” There were others who merely held signs and voiced support for the great Cthulhu, who many feel has been unfairly kept out of the debate. Once the group had been properly killed and set atop the pyre outside the venue, the debate could go on.
Bub’s moderation has now been widely criticized and a prime example of why is the first question. While it was supposed to be on the subject of energy, Bub merely looked from candidate to candidate, was quiet for a moment and then let out a long guttural groan, “Uhhhhhhhhhhh!” Unsure of who the question was for, Gielgud seized the opportunity to open with an attack. “Good evening. I pray you all have kept free of harmful cholesterol and toxins. My opponent has brought himself to the level of the lowly zombie dwarf, feeding the engine of his so-called alternative energy with the least efficient and most costly fuel, the human brain!” The audience was audibly disturbed by this as a enormous blood spray erupted from the crowd. In response to this Gielgud began to throw popcorn into the auditorium.
Tall Man stood silent for a moment and then bellowed “Boy!” The entire auditorium was completely silent for a moment. It looked as if Gielgud was going to open another line of attack, but as she opened her mouth to speak, Tall Man spoke again, “You play a good game, but the game is finished, now you die.”
Reports after this point in the debate are still somewhat hazy due to the fact that no survivors, as of this writing, have been found other than the candidates themselves and Bub. While neither candidate’s reports should be taken without a degree of skepticism, Bub has been no help either even if he could be considered impartial. Gielgud has repeated her concerns about “toxins” and urged everyone to consume a bright green slime which she claims will help all those who have been traumatized. Tall Man has remained silent, only occasionally lifting a single eyebrow menacingly. His surrogates, small hooded creatures, have only muttered unintelligibly into microphones during all press conferences following the debate.
The general consensus centers around instant messages sent out of the auditorium referencing a large amount of flying silver balls burrowing into the skulls of spectators. These reports were not confirmed by press time. While many of Tall Man’s campaign workers have been found among the wreckage of the auditorium, nobody else has been located. Tall Man is reportedly committing these campaign workers in the search and rescue.
Little was settled during the debate and its’ aftermath, leaving the next debate subject to wild anticipation. The Esoteric Order of Dagon has issued a statement vowing to disrupt all of the debates, saying only that they “wait.”
Stay tuned for further coverage of Decision 666, right here on the Rotten Cotton Blog!