This is a list idea I’ve had for a little while and had no particular reason to write out. Women’s History Month has long past, and to my knowledge there aren’t any big holiday’s based around cutting dicks off. Not that women’s history is concerned that much with severed penises but there have been quite a few notable women who have separated deserving men from their pride and joy. There is that one festival in Japan, but that’s more a cock-celebration.
Although,with a little more leather and fewer women, I could picture this at the Folsom Street Fair as well.
So, I figured I’d try to compile it anyway and so I have. My excuse? How about this year marking the 45th anniversary of the first publication of The SCUM Manifesto? While my own penis is grateful that Valerie Solanas was not successful in her quest to eradicate the male gender, let us take a look at some of the most wince-inducing scenes of emasculation ever put to film. I’ve tried to find links to the relevant scenes, many were understandably unavailable. Oh, and if anyone ever tries to get you to watch the BME Pain Olympics:Final Round video, don’t do it. I won’t even link to it here. You’ll have to seek that punishment out yourself.
The Movie: Boy, 2007 was a banner year for cinematic cock-chopping. As everyone knows by now, Hostel is largely held responsible for the popularizing of the torture porn genre. I suppose Saw is probably more deserving of that dubious honor but frankly, who the fuck cares? I took my wife to see the first Hostel in the theater. Why she went is beyond me (she hates horror films) and it probably means that she loves me or something. Anyway, part 2 is the same formula except this time….wait for it….women get tortured and killed! Bet you didn’t see that coming. It does get points with me for the Elisabeth Bathory reference and the cameo from, Cannibal Holocaust director, Ruggero Deodato.
The Scene: I suppose I should say spoiler alert just in case anybody still wants to see this and hasn’t yet. The scene takes place at the end of the film. Our heroine has turned the tables on her torturer and essentially buys her way into the club by killing him. Her method? You guessed it, the old choperoo and bleed out combo. Once the deed is done, with her victim still writhing in his chair, she tosses his piece to some hungry dogs. It looks pretty damned real and the guy did have it coming. Still, what a punishment.
The Movie: The first half of the Robert Rodriguez/Quentin Tarrentino collaboration Grindhouse, Planet Terror does a pretty good job of aping the style of an 80s horror flick. The acting is over the top, cheesy gloopy gore and a far-fetched story that’s just ridiculous enough to be fun. I, for one, really liked Grindhouse. I guess the movie-going public didn’t agree and when you think about it from a business perspective it does seem kind of insane. Still, the fake trailers and the crazy style made a great theater experience and that is largely what I want when I go to the movies.
The Scene: There’s actually more than one in this film. I mean, the one I was thinking of originally takes place in the army base, the shit is going down and people are turning into melty zombie-type creatures. Quentin Tarantino’s character (credited as Rapist #1) has been stabbed in the eye with a peg leg by Cherry (played by Rose McGowan). She is pulled away from him by his fellow guard and in retaliation (fulfilling his character name) he decides to “give her some fucking wood.” Only problem is that when he drops trow, his dick is melting off. The other scenes I referred to are not so much emasculation as the aftermath of castration. This is due to Naveen Andrew’s character Abby’s obsession with cutting off his enemies’ balls. Fun fact: both this film and Stuart Gordon’s From Beyond feature a character named Dr. Block. (Spelled differently, pronounced the same.)
The Movie: Vagina Dentata! It’s even fun to say! This film takes the sexual angst of a John Hughes movie and turns it into what I think can justifiably be called a horror movie. Young Dawn (played by Jess Weixler) is a wait-till-she’s-married kind of gal but, of course, she meets a guy and falls for him. Even though said guy tries to pull something horrible on her, he does in advertently help her discover her secret. She has razor sharp teeth in her vagina that will make quick work of any unwanted visitors. It amounts to a pretty brilliant updating of the old folktales once used to dissuade young studs from sowing their seed incautiously. It also kind of turns it on it’s head because the teeth become a weapon of empowerment for Dawn where in folklore it kind of adds up to “women are evil.”
The Scene: It happens twice in this film and both are justified. I think you’ll find that all of the instances in this list were justified actually. We can talk about the first one since it happens toward the beginning of the movie. The two young lovers, against their better judgement are swimming together. They wind up in a cave and start the make out session that inevitably goes bad. Long story short, he tries to rape her, her vagina bites off his cock.
(Yeah, I know it’s not 3D, but you don’t want that on a shirt anyway do you? Check this one out instead!)
The Movie: This movie was made specifically for the neanderthal brain inside every man that just wants blood and boobs in a movie for it to be good. The added bonus? It’s in 3D! Real boobs are always in 3D, but I digress. Prehistoric fish escape an underwater cave and eat thousands of attractive young people on vacation, many of whom are naked.
The Scene: Jerry O’Connell plays a skeezy porn director who has chartered a boat to tour around Lake Victoria to shoot women swimming naked, I guess? Anyway, he runs his boat aground in an attempt to, at insistence of the young man he cornered into guiding him around the lake, rescue his guide’s siblings. Jerry end up in the water and the piranha devour just about half of him. As they pull him on to the deck all he has to say is “they took my penis!” Then, if you were fortunate enough to see this in the theater, a wobbly underwater CG penis floats toward you and is quickly chewed up by a piranha. Take that Avatar.
The Movie: I don’t really like this movie. I’m probably not supposed to. It’s rough, badly acted and nasty. To top that off, it’s not even fun to watch. (Still, if you like it, you definitely should buy the shirt!) I’m not sure why anybody thought it was a good candidate for a remake but we did get one a few years back. It did put Wes Craven on the map, so that’s kind of its currency nowadays. You probably know the story: girls leave home to go to a concert, get abducted, raped and murdered by a group of monstrous individuals. Same group winds up at one of the girl’s parents’ house and, in disguise, talk them into letting them spend the night. Parents figure out what they’ve done and exact revenge.
The Scene: The mother lures one of the killers away from the house. She begins to give him a blowjob but ends it with a bite. I think she spits in the river, but I’m not entirely sure. Either way, fuck that guy.
The Movie: Another rape-revenge movie that was recently remade. I’m not sure what to make of that other than that the recent grindhouse revival is probably somehow responsible. This time the victim turned avenging angel is a writer secluding herself in a cabin in the woods to work on a manuscript. Local boys brutally assault her and leave her for dead. Then, naturally, she comes back and kills the living shit out of all of them.
The Scene: Again we have the victim luring the perpetrator with sex. One of the rapists returns to the cabin upon realizing she is alive. She’s already killed one of them at this point but he doesn’t know it yet. He tries to explain that the rapes were her fault because of her clothing (that old gem) and she pretends to agree and gets him into a nice hot bath with her. She begins to give him a handy and as he nears climax, she reaches for a knife hidden under the bathmat and slices it off then leaves him to bleed to death.
The Film: It has been a really long time since I’ve seen this movie. I had it on VHS at an age I probably had no business knowing it existed. The funny thing is, I remember not liking it much overall but at the same time it’s so batshit crazy it stays with you. Where else are you going to find a decapitated head giving the police tips, Margaret Cho disemboweling children and a bisexual love triangle all in one road movie? Nowhere else is where.
The Scene: The movie ends as senselessly as the rest of it. During a threesome between Amy (Rose McGowan in her second appearance on this list) and her boyfriend Jordan (James Duval) and the male drifter (Johnathan Schaech) they picked up, a group of neo-nazis bust in while Amy has left to go to the bathroom. Other stuff happens, but the important thing for this list is that the neo-nazis cut off Jordan’s dick with pruning shears and shove it in his mouth. Don’t worry too much, Amy gets her revenge.
The Film: The one that goes all the way. A group of filmmakers go to the jungle to film a “documentary.” What they’re actually doing though, is torturing everyone they meet in an effort to stage what debauchery they want to present to the camera as real. It’s disgusting but a classic of the cannibal genre. Nothing tops the turtle scene. I still have a hard time watching that.
The Scene: The murderous documentarians finally get there comeuppance as the cannibals overpower them. In a final orgy of violence that includes a woman being skewered, one of the men of the team is held down and given a jungle-vaginoplasty.
The Movie: This is kind of the same movie as Cannibal Holocaust. In fact, I think I read somewhere once that some of the costumes used were the same. The set up is different and I think I might consider this one slightly better, but take that with a grain of salt. Suffice it to say that westerners wind up in the Amazon. One of them is an insane drug dealer on the run, he decides to kill a local. This escalates to him and his whole group being chopped up and in some cases eaten.
The Scene: Said insane drug dealer, is strapped to a tree. While members of his group look on, his penis his cut off and the wound then cauterized to prevent him from bleeding to death. He later has the top of his head chopped off and his brain eaten. This is the scene that inspired me to put this list together. (A dubious honor if there ever was one.) It is probably one of the more convincing on this list as well.
The Movie: This movie is crazy. What else can you say for a film about expired cheap wine sold to homeless people that causes them to melt? Sure, you can say it’s awesome, and it is. I remember it being somewhat more convoluted than that, but just let the melting homeless people part sink in first. Melt movies are all kind of crazy in their own special way. This one just has a special way about it in that it goes to great lengths to be as trashy and offensive as possible. If you haven’t seen it, what are you waiting for?
The Scene: Okay, I told you this movie is crazy. This scene is just as inexplicable as anything else in it. I’ll be totally honest with you, I don’t remember character’s names at this point. You really don’t need to know. Two homeless people are in a fight in a junkyard where they live. The aggressor has got the drop on, if I remember correctly, the film’s protagonist. As he yells threateningly another homeless man begins to urinate on his, unknowingly I assume, through a hole in the “wall.” Angry homeless man takes a pause, reaches into the hole, rips dick off and proceeds to play keep away with it. As the dickless man runs about trying to get his member back, homeless people throughout the junkyard gleefully toss it back and forth. Now that, my friends, is cinema!