Cannibal Kitchen: You’re Next

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“Hunt Sweet Hunt”

I’m not going to lie, I’m kind of ashamed at myself for how long it has taken me to get a review up for You’re Next. Spoiler alert, don’t be shocked to see this film on my end of year top list. I could beat around the bush, but I will just cut to the chase with this film fantastic, and you’re doing yourself a disservice if you don’t give it a shot.

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You’re Next technically has a 2011 birth date, however it took until more recently for it to get the proper wide release it deserved. I really believe the main problem for this and its somewhat low box office numbers is that people don’t really understand this film. I think Adam Wingard and Simon Barrett are two horror industry up and comers whom have a lot of love for the genre and really focused on making a film for other die hard horror fans. I think there is a ton of underlying jokes and camp to this movie that the average viewer won’t appreciate, and may just flat out not get. I for one back their approach and the respect they show in paying homage to 80′s slashers, and was highly entertained by it.

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I’ve discussed this movie many times with different people, and the most common complaint I hear is “I saw the twist coming a mile away”. What I feel like people aren’t understanding is that the twist is not the focus climax to the movie, it’s more of a side note to the bigger more entertaining picture. Fact is, I just don’t agree with half of the world’s opinions on this movie. You’re Next is clever and witty, with a strong side female badassnes. I for one thoroughly enjoyed seeing a woman lead that was ready to Rambo it up at the drop of a hat verses crawling into the fetal position and giving up on life. In my mind, Sharni Vinson (Erin) channeled Jesse Ventura, Predator style, with the “I ain’t got time to bleed” mentality flawlessly. I think Joe Swanberg (Drake) was great at the goonish sibling, and I personally loved his jabs at Directors banter with Ti West (Tariq). Plus, the score to this film is one of the best attempts at execution that I’ve seen in a long time, and kind of really made me want to play Contra.

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So as Thanksgiving rolls around shortly I recommend everyone to sit down and really studying You’re Next. After all, stuff really didn’t go to swell for their family dinner, and I’d hate to see you all so ill prepared if some buffoons in masks try to gut you and your bloodline during this holiday season. I will even leave you all with a recipe for good family meal when everyone makes it out alive. You’re welcome.

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Asparagus Stalk(er)

This is a little bit of a different twist on your average asparagus dish. Asparagus has a semi sweet flavor that pairs perfectly with the saltiness of cured meats. So really why wouldn’t you marry the two together? This recipe serves 2-4, or 1 depending how much of a savage they are, but it can be easily duplicated to feed a large party.

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Ingredients:
– 15 Stalks of Asparagus, Cleaned and trimmed
– 1 Package Bacon, Thin or average sliced. Thick cut will be harder to keep wrapped
– 2 Tablespoons Olive oil
– Salt
– Black Pepper
– Brown Sugar
– Grill or Frying Pan

Directions:

Step one: Trim and clean asparagus. On a plate or in a bowl pour olive oil over asparagus and toss to fully coat.

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Step two: Wrap one piece of bacon tightly around asparagus covering almost the length of the stalk. Sprinkle tops of each stalk with a pinch of salt, pepper, and brown sugar.

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Step three: Lightly grease a large grill or frying pan and begin to heat over a medium flame. Add bacon wrapped asparagus and allow to cook until asparagus is neon/bright green in tone, and continue to turn until bacon is lightly browned. This can take anywhere between 10-15 minutes depending on each stove, as well as, personal taste. Serve warm

Serves 2-4

 

Man Hunt Meat

Short Ribs can be intimidating to cook. Don’t let them be. With the right recipe, they can be extremely easy to cook, have a ton of flavor, and be so tender they basically fall off the bone on their own. This is that recipe, and besides a little prep, you can basically let the slow cooker or crockpot do the cooking for you. Read, perfect for a minimal fuss and fairly cheap holiday dinner. I mean look at that picture, what carnivore wouldn’t be happy to see that taking over their plate this holiday season? They’ll be singing your praises for years to come.

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Ingredients:
– 2 Pounds Bone In Short Ribs (About 6 slabs)
– 3 Cups Beef Broth
– 1/2 Cup Red Wine or Dark Beer
– 3 Celery Stalks, Diced
– 1/3 Cup Yellow Onion, Diced
– 3 Tablespoons Brown Sugar
– 2 Tablespoons Tomato Paste
– 1 Tablespoon Minced Garlic
– 1 (1/2) Tablespoon All-Purpose Flour
– 1 Teaspoon Salt
– 1/2 Teaspoon Black Pepper
– 1/4 Teaspoon Cumin
– 1/4 Teaspoon Chili Powder
– 1/4 Teaspoon Cayenne Pepper
– Olive Oil
– Crockpot or Slow Cooker

Directions:

Step one: Place short ribs on a plate or in a bowl and pour a generous amount of olive oil over and toss to fully coat. Sprinkle some salt and pepper over each short rib coating both sides.

Step two: In a large frying pan heat up 2 Tablespoons olive oil over medium heat. Add minced garlic and begin to saute around the plate. If garlic begins to burn turn down the flame slightly. Next, add short ribs 2-3 at a time to pan being very careful not to crowd the meat. You want to allow plenty of space between each cut to insure proper searing. Brown each slab for 5 minutes on each side, and occasionally take a spoon and scoop up some of the liquid forming in the plate and spoon over the cooking meat. After cooked, place in slow cooker/crock pot.

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Step three: Remove the pan used to cook short ribs from the stove and allow to cool for 5 minutes. After cooled, return back to a medium flame and being to saute celery and onions for 5 minutes. Follow by adding tomato paste and continuing to saute for an additional 4 minutes. Next, add broth, alcohol, brown sugar, flour, and additional spices. Stir until flour clumps dissolve. Allow the sauce mixture to come to a boil, and turn the heat to low and allow to simmer for an extra minute.

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Step four: Pour sauce mixture over short ribs in slow cooker. Toss the short ribs in the sauce mixture slightly to insure an even coating. Allow to cook on low for 8 hours, Make sure to check every once in a while and turn the ribs over and spoon more sauce over them. Towards the 8 hour mark you will literally see some of the ribs sliding off the bone as they are becoming so tender. Serve immediately.

Serves 2-3

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Shannon Rullo

About Shannon Rullo