Cannibal Kitchen: Texas Chainsaw 3D

 

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“Evil Wears Many Faces”

I’ve been sitting on this review for a little bit now. Not for any reason terribly life altering, just for the sheer fact that I knew it was going to be somewhat of a painful flash back into my cerebellum. At the end of the day though, it is my duty to relive the horror so you don’t have to. I will now take whatever gifts you want to send my way in the form of kittens and Taco Bell.

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I had no expectations going into seeing Texas Chainsaw 3D, and I would be lying if I didn’t say I attempted to pay for my ticket in with hugs and promises of goats. After all, that is what my Papa would do, and I really didn’t want to pay human currency on something that may be an awful life choice on my part. As I stated, I went into this film with no expectations, but I sure did have a running list of thoughts working against this movie. The top three being: 1) why can’t I see it not in 3D? I don’t like when my eyes bleed 2) Where the hell did the Massacre go? 3) Why the hell am I not on the couch watching the original TCM2…I’m smarter than this. And just for good measures, 4) Why am I watching a horror film directed by someone who previously directed a movie with Master P in it? Make em say UNGGGGGGH (UNGGGGGGH) Na-nah na-nah (na-nah na-nah No thank you).

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As the trailers finish up, and the film begins I find that I’m pleasantly surprised with the beginning. I think the montage of old footage was a really cool touch, and at first glimpse, Leatherface looks awesome. Unfortunately, this is where I quickly find out what happened to the Massacre. The Massacre is what happened to this sequel from that point on. I’m still unsure exactly what happened, but I know something happened and I know I laughed…a lot. I came out of this film feeling like I had watched two separate movies streamed into one. It’s as if the director started out with this super serious intense film and about half way in to it didn’t know how to make it a full length so he hit the “Twin Peaks’ button and attempted to twist it into this campy B-rated film. By the end of the film we are left with a movie that has no regard for accuracy of details, scenes that are blatantly ripped off from another movie, a bizarre/awkward scene of Leatherface running through a carnival in what seems to be present day, Bill Moseley dead in like a minute after first appearance (How rude), an almost entire cast of people who can’t act, and one of the worst quotes now to be in the horror genre, “Do your thing, cuz!”. I mean come on, are you for real? What’s next, after “cuz” did his thing; did you both go to the local rave? Did Leatherface put on his best spandex like skin bodysuit and attach glow sticks to his chainsaw? (Patent Pending, don’t steal my idea)

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So there you have it folks. This is what happens when Leatherface makes it to present day. Should you watch this movie? Of course! You will laugh, unintentionally yes, but a lot. Who doesn’t need a good laugh? Oh and before I leave you with some tasty food to choke on while you laugh, I have to admit, I liked Texas Chainsaw 3D better when it was called “Devil’s Rejects”.

 

BACON FACED BIRD

Just as Leatherface likes to wrap his face in others skin, so does this chicken. Then it likes to be smothered in a dry rub of maple, spice, and sage.

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Ingredients:
- 4 Boneless Skinless Chicken Breasts
- 8- 12 Strips of Bacon, regular and not flavored
- 1/2 Cup Brown Sugar
- 1/4 Cup Maple Sugar
- 1 (1/2) Teaspoon Salt
- 1 (1/2) Teaspoon Black Pepper
- 1/2 Teaspoon Ginger
- 1/2 Teaspoon Sage
- 1/2 Teaspoon Paprika
- 1/4 Teaspoon Thyme
- 1/4 Teaspoon Nutmeg
- 1/4 Teaspoon Cayenne Pepper
- Toothpicks

 

Directions:
In a small bowl mix all spices together. This is your dry rub. Make sure to trim off any excess fat from your chicken breasts and then wrap with 2-3 pieces of bacon. Use 3 toothpicks to hold the bacon in place around the chicken. Next, place the chicken in a large zip lock bag and poor the dry rub into the bag covering the chicken fully. Shake the bag around to make sure everything is evenly coated. Refrigerate bag of chicken for 30 minutes.

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Preheat oven to 425 Degrees F. Lightly coat a large glass baking dish and then place chicken in it. Cover and bake for 45 minutes- 1 hour. Each oven is different so make sure to check it. You want the chicken no longer pink, but still tender. The last 5 minutes I like to bake the chicken uncovered to crisp the outside up a little. Serve warm.

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Serves 2-4

 

DO YOUR THING, BUTTERY BEAN

These green beans are a good way to get some comfort food but not make you feel like you need to put your fat pants on afterwards. They’re buttery, flavorful, and slightly crispy. I wish I was eating them as I type this. Sad.

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Ingredients:
- 2 Pounds Green Beans, Cleaned and trimmed
- 1/2 of a White Onion, Chopped
- 3 Tablespoons Butter
- 1 Tablespoon Minced Garlic
- 1 Teaspoon Seasoning Salt- 1/2 Teaspoon Cumin
- 1/2 Teaspoon Red Pepper Flakes
- 1/2 Teaspoon Black Pepper- 1/4 Teaspoon Salt

Directions:
In a large skillet melt 1 Tablespoon butter over medium heat. Add onions and saute over low heat for 20 minutes. In the meantime bring a medium saucepan with water to boil. Once boiling, add green beans and cook for 15 minutes. After 15 minutes drain and add the green beans to the onion mixture. Return heat to a medium setting.

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Next, add 2 more tablespoons butter, and all remaining ingredients. Stir to totally combine everything and allow to saute for an additional 10 minutes. Stir occasionally, and taste before serving. Add additional salt and pepper to taste. Serve warm.

Serves 2-4

Shannon Rullo

About Shannon Rullo